Ever have one of those moments where you are just sitting there minding your own business and then all of a sudden something happens and you get all the air knocked out of your stomach?
I had that happen this morning at church. Actually its been happening lately at church. Not sure why its been at church more than any other place other than its one of the places where the kids are forced to be quite for a little while and I can just be inside my own head for a while and not think about what needs to be done around my own life.
So, there I am, minding my own business, listening to Fr. Curry during the homily about a finite number of years on this earth and going back to this small town he grew up in and how things changed from when he grew up (as one would expect) and then it happened. It was like I needed to see Gramma one more time to tell her good-bye.
To see Colome.
To walk the dusty dirt roads.
To see the wildflowers in the pastures.
Hear the wind in the weeping willow tree (even though its not even there any more).See the old dilapidated drive in where we watched Star Wars with huge paper bags of home popped pop corn and riding the swing set in the front of the drive in.
To smell the earthy smell of the cellar where we would go if there was a tornado siren, remembering where I cried and cried when I left Winnie the pooh in the house and had Grandpa Bob run back to get him, being so young not knowing what danger really was, just knowing how much I needed the comfort of that stuffed animal.
She always sang with such a strong, confident voice. She dressed up, no matter the weather. She was proud to be there. I was proud to be able to share our church here with her. To show her that we are involved as a family here.
I may not have been able to give her that one last hug, that one that I feel like I am so needing to give to her right now. Or maybe the one that I needed her to give me. The one that told me that it was ok to let go. Its probably more about me than anything. Over a month has passed and the hurt is still very raw for me. I don't know why it feels so fresh to me now. What has changed to make it hurt like this now. What is different. But it does. It hurts so badly. Life is full of ifs. If I had known last summer was the last time I was going to see her. If I had known that day was going to be the last time we would talk on the computer. If. If. If.
I Love You Gramma